


but as for me, I still remember how it was before, and I am holding back the tears no more

by MrsRiverSigma



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Mostly the Doctor and Graham being good friends, Post-Episode: s11e09 It Takes You Away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsRiverSigma/pseuds/MrsRiverSigma
Summary: After the intense meeting with the Solitract the Doctor feels sad and nostalgic. Gladly, she has a friend who understands her and is there to help.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 6
Kudos: 146





	but as for me, I still remember how it was before, and I am holding back the tears no more

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So... this is awkward. It's my first time posting here a fic I wrote, so this is all new to me. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> I know it is a bit short, but honestly it's a huge personal victory being able to finish it. 
> 
> Oh, and one more thing: English is not my first language, so if there're any typos or grammatical mistakes, that's why.
> 
> Title is from 'Here Today' by Paul McCartney

Her mind keeps running a thousand miles per hour when they get to the TARDIS. It's a lot to sink in, after all she just became friends with a whole sentient universe in the shape of a talking frog. Not just any frog, but one who has the voice of Grace.

Now, about Grace. When the woman said her friend just got there she thought she meant... She thought it would be... well, not Grace. She was hoping to see her wife, not somebody else's. But now she's glad it wasn't River the one who was waiting for them, otherwise she would never have left that universe. After all the Doctor have been through, one must think she's capable of facing such painful situations with ease, but it's quite the opposite; the older she is, the harder the pain, mourning just grows bigger, and the blame never fades away. She had already said goodbye to her wife three times, her hearts wouldn't bear a fourth.

As soon as they entered the ship the machine greeted them with a soothing hum, like a warm hug, calming their thoughts. The Doctor placed her hands flat on the console, head down she takes a couple of deep breaths. She tries to wear that smiley facade for her friends before they realize something is wrong, because when they do so, usually they have a tendency to ask too many questions.

She lifts her face up and her eyes meet with Graham's, she sees the pain and defeat laying under the surface, writing on the lines around his eyes, the angle his lips are turned down and the shadow behind he's expression. Probably a mirror of how she must look like at the moment. They share a sympathetic smile, and it should bring an ounce of empathy to her hearts, but it only brings more grief. Because even though it wasn't really Grace, it looked like her, sounded like her, and that's more than the Doctor could wish for.

She's not complaining, she had twenty-four years in Darillium, and her younger self enjoyed and treasured every second of it, but even two decades with your loved one doesn't seem to be time enough to say goodbye. The Doctor would give everything to just have a chance to briefly see her wife's face again, hear her voice calling her a sentimental idiot. Sometimes when she's alone and bored she likes to pretend her wife is there, by her side. Laughs all alone imagining all the possible reactions the missus would have if she had met this body. Other times she tries to avoid these types of thoughts, because she knows it won't bring her back, even if she wishes really hard.

Yaz and Ryan wave goodnight to her as they pass her by, they all need a nap after today, lots of running, too many emotions. Graham doesn't move, he stays there watching the Doctor. She tries to avoid eye contact, like if she tries hard enough he'll give up and don't make the question she knows it's on the tip of his tongue, itching to ask her. He moves around the console, walk towards the corridor and the Doctor starts to relax a bit, but at the last second he turns around.

"Everything all right, Doc?"

And well, fuck. She wants to turn around and tell Graham everything, but she knows she can't, so she does what she always did all of her lives: put a smile of her face and lies as best as she can. "Yep! 'm fine. How about you?" She turns the question around because that she can deal with, other people's feelings are usually easier for her to handle since it doesn't involve her own emotions to the mix. Usually.

He laughs shaking his head and walks back towards the console. "No, don't do that, Doc. Don't diverge the question" he sits on the step, his back to her, and that's why she can clearly see the slight tension on his shoulders. "You're always so damn preoccupied to save the world, always worrying about the three of us; our safety, what do we think, how we are feeling." He looks up for a second, observing the way the light shifted inside the surrounding crystals, takes a deep breath as continues "So why can't I ask how are you and get an honest answer? I'm your friend, you know?"

She instantly feels the shame and guilt for being so petty a few seconds ago, not that he'll ever know, but she feels bad nonetheless. She makes her way towards the same step he is and sit by his side. For just a moment she allows herself to let her emotions bleed out, but she haven't noticed the tears falling down her face until she tasted the salt on her lips.

Graham pats her on the shoulder reassuringly, trying to give her some kind of support. "You were expecting someone else, weren't you?" The Doctor shuts her eyes, brow knitting together as if doing it so could vanish the pain in her hearts away. "In there, at that universe, I mean. You seemed a bit euphoric when she said someone you knew was waiting outside." He says nothing now, waiting patiently for her answer.

A couple of seconds passes by when she finally nods and tries to swallow past the lump in her throat. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing but a sob comes out of her lips. She covers her face with her hands, feeling the full strength of her sorrow, the emotional ache becoming almost physical, like opening the wound that had barely begun to heal again.

"Was it them you were expecting? Your family?"

Still shielding her face she nods once again. Graham wrap one arm around her shoulders, and the Doctor welcome the support and aid gladly. Drying the tears on the back of her hands and finally managing to take a proper breath she speaks "I just miss her so much," her voice barely above a whisper, thick with sadness.

Graham says nothing, just offering silent comfort to her friend, a space and moment where she can just let it go and be one hundred percent honest with someone. He knows what it feels like losing people you love and care, he's not exactly young, and by the way the Doctor talks about her life she sounds even older than any human could possibly imagine being. She probably had lost more people too, and that seems to include her entire family.

"She is... was, so incredibly amazing, and, and... beautiful!" Her eyes lighten up when she says that last word, many emotions shinning through; happiness, adoration, love, pain, loss, grief. All in just a second. "I've tried, but I'll never forgive myself for everything she had been through... all my fault. I was a rubbish husband, tried to make amends at the end but... but still. I wonder if I could be better to her as a wife."

Graham laughs at her, she feels betrayed. He told her to open up about how she feels, and he's making fun of her, hell of a good friend, huh. Apparently this face is not that good at hiding things, because he notices how she frowned gazing the floor.

"I'm not making fun of you, if that's what you are concerned about. I'm laughing because, honestly Doctor, by the way you talk about yourself now and your past selves... I'm not sure if your gender really matters, but your intentions do." She looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish. "What I'm saying Doc, is that if you want to be better, then be better. She might not be here, unfortunately, but nothing is ever stopping you to improve yourself."

She thinks about his words for a couple of seconds and smiles, she scrunches her nose and says "Yeah, I think you might be right. Thank you, Graham".

He waves "Nah, don't mention it. After all, this is what friends are for, huh? Support each other, I mean".

She reaches for her coat pocket. Elbow deep she searches for something for a couple of seconds until she finally produces a small purple wood box and a old worned blue book. She opens the box and place it on his hands.

The box felt old but well-kept, inside it contained a few pictures. A red head woman hugging what Graham could only describe as a Roman centurion and a curly haired blonde woman dressed as a sci-fi bounty hunter. The same blonde woman fixing a goofy looking guy's bow tie. Again that woman, but now she had snowflakes in her hair as she kissed a grumpy looking fellow under the mistletoe. And so many other pictures, and all of them had something in common: the blonde woman.

"That's her, isn't it? Your wife" he asked to what the Doctor only nodded in response. "And you are all these fellows she appears kissing on these pictures, I hope. Otherwise, I would find it a bit weird if you kept old pictures of your wife with her exes".

She laughs and crinkles her nose looking at the pictures, it's always nostalgic seeing her previous faces when now she has a completely different one "Yeah, that's me, past bodies. I hope I had some improvement with this new one." She grab one of the pictures that has bow tie and the Ponds, analysing it for a while. Seeing the four of them together hurts, like something is crushing both of her hearts under a hydraulic press.

Graham knows what the Doctor must be feeling looking at the photograph. "And who are them? The ginger girl and the Roman fellow?"

"This is Amy and that's Rory, they are my friends. Oh, and also my parents in law!" She can see the surprise in Graham's face even though he tried to hide it. The Doctor let out a laugh at his expression. "I know what you're thinking, they look younger than her, right? It's a bit complicated, it involves time travel and very tangled time lines".

He asks her how they've met, and how the hell was even possible that the parents are younger than their child. The Doctor explained him it all, at least as best as she could.

They sat there for at least a hour. The Doctor explaining the inexplicable, and Graham doing his best to absorb all the paradoxical information. It always felt odd talking about her wife and their time lines, she was never capable of deciding if her point of views was the easiest one to understand or if her wife's one was the best option, so she kept jumping around from one perspective to the other. She usually needed a flow chart for this kind of things.

"You loved her very much. Still do, is very clear", he took a deep breath, stared at the ceiling "And always will". She heard the sadness and the unmistakable tone of grief in his voice, and knew this is how he felt for Grace and forever will. Human lives are shorter than hers, but that doesn't mean they feel things with less intensity.

She dried the tears away from her face as she got up. She extended her hand to him which he held for balance as he got up. "But we gotta learn how to live with it, it doesn't fade you know. The pain. But we get used to it. We must go on, Graham. Knowing both of them they wouldn't want us to sit around all day and cry".

"Yeah, probably not" he made his way to the hallway once again that night, turned around and said "Goodnight, Doc. You should get some sleep too. You might be an alien but I guess you need to rest a bit every now and then".

She laughed and felt a bit better "I'll try, at least. Goodnight, Graham".

Taking one more glance at the pictures she had from her wife she decided to follow Graham's advice, and from the first time in millennia she slept at the old bedroom she once shared with her wife, glad that somehow the TARDIS managed to keep her the smell of her perfume on the bedsheets.

She dreamt of her wife. Beautiful, smart, witty, sarcastic and elegant. Impossible golden curls, glittering green eyes and enigmatic smiles. And for the first time, in a very long time she had a good night of sleep.

-

She woke up next day and went straight to the kitchen to get some tea, expecting to find the fam already there as usual. But she was wrong, the kitchen was empty. She searched their rooms, the pool, tropical forest floor and the wardrobe. Nothing. She was about to enter the video game room when she heard conversation and noises coming down the hall and into the control room.

"I don't know! She just started to make these noises!" Said Yaz loudly trying to be heard over the mess of sounds the TARDIS was doing. "I just came here to talk to the Doctor since she's always here fiddling with the wires, but the room was empty and out of the sudden the panels lit up, and she started this". As she finished speaking the ship jolted violently, like she was trying to take off, but to the Doctor it felt like... excitement, almost. She could flight herself, she've done it before many times, the ship was only waiting for something.

The Doctor turned the corner and arrived in the room. "Doctor! What's that? Is something wrong?" Questioned Ryan, "Are we in danger?" Said Yaz. "I don't know", she said honestly "Let me see it".

All panels had the same thing writing on them: coordinates. She recognized them, but it was impossible, it couldn't be that place. Her friends saw her panicking face and started asking questions she really didn't pay much attention, cause at the same moment she felt the left pocket of her coat getting warm. She fitted her hand inside it and grabbed her psychic paper.

Incredulous about what was happening she didn't realize she was reading the content of the psychic paper. "The Library. Come as soon as you can".

The Doctor felt her hearts sink and stop. Her thoughts became blurry and confused. How? How was this even possible? And why had the universe done this to her?

She didn't notice she was kneeling on the floor and on the verge of tears until she felt Yaz's gentle hand touching her shoulder and pulling her back to reality. "Doctor, are you okay? Is there something wrong?" Yaz asked her softly, trying to calm her friend down, but failing at hiding the concern in her tone .

Before the Doctor could say something she felt the paper becoming hot in her palms once again. Taking a couple of deep breaths and along with them a little courage to read the words she remembered so well. But to her own surprise the text has changed. "You better come fast, sweetie. I've already waited for far too long".

Looking up to the monitors she realized a little change in the time-space coordinates, the date was a few decades later than the one she remembered. She jolted up, flicking levers and pressing buttons as quickly as possible. Now she understood what the ship was so excited about.

Yaz repeated her concerned questions to the Doctor and so did Ryan, both a little scared about the Doctor's reaction. In a way Graham knew deep down why his friend was acting like that and tried to calm the both younger ones. "Let her do what she has to do, you two".

Finally, pushing the final lever down the TARDIS began to take off, shaking left to right, as quickly as she could. When finally the wheezing sound of the breaks stopped with a thud it was when the Doctor turned to them, smiling and bouncing on her heels like an excited puppy. "So, I want you all to meet someone who's very special to me. The most special, the specialiest. Is that a real word? I don't know, it is now".

The Doctor ran towards the doors but didn't open it immediately as she usually does, she stopped abruptly, waiting. A couple of seconds passed and it was when they've heard gentle a knock on the door. The ship did the job herself and opened the double doors.

There she was, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, cheeky smile and impossibly curly space hair. The woman was clearly very beautiful, she wore a white long dress which gave her a very ethereal feeling. The Doctor stepped slowly and carefully towards her.

"Well, you took your time didn't you?" Said the woman. "Sorry dear, traffic was murder" said the Doctor smiling, staring at her with glittering eyes. "I like the new face, sweetie", she reached a hand to put the Doctor's hair behind her ear, the Doctor glanced down trying to hide her red burning cheeks, "Yeah, I thought you would". The Doctor reached expectantly a hand towards her face and stopped just a couple of inches "Can I?", the woman nodded. She cupped her cheek and pulled her down for a kiss. The Doctor thought how different this time it felt, and it took her a while to realize why. "You are tall the tall one this go around" said the Doctor scrunching her nose, to which the woman laughed. "I'm still the same height, you're the one that became shorter, my love" she grabbed the Doctor's hand and kissed her palm "but that's okay, we'll get used to it, we've got time". The Doctor took a deep breath trying to contain her tears but not being able to "Yes, we've got, River. All the time we need and more".

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! 
> 
> If there's something you think I might improve on, or change, or have any kind of constructive criticism, please feel free to comment. I'm open to listen what you have to tell me. 
> 
> I'd like to thank my friends Eduarda and Constancy for always being so supportive of me writing this fic or anything really. 
> 
> Thank you, once again. ♡


End file.
